I have had so much change going on lately, it is hard to know where to start. I brought the book Surrendered Wife and started reading it a day before going on holiday to my Mother-in-law's house for Christmas. This was about a week after my husband gave me a fantastic lecture about the importance of respect and kindness when I am feeling upset.

The lecture helped me more than I can describe, and the book also gave me a serious wake up call. I value all the information it holds, even if I do not quite like or agree with all of it. It is still nice to see that point of view, and find out a little about how exactly husbands react to feeling disrespected in a relationship.

Now within literally a day of reading this book, I felt completely reborn and new. I saw things clearly and I felt like I finally had a way to give my Husband what he needs, and in return hopefully get the things I need. My god did my Husband notice instantly.

It was fantastic. It was pure heaven for me. It was everything I could have asked for at this point in our relationship. The thing is, to me these few days were a fucking huge deal, but perhaps to you, you may wonder why I was so taken back by this turn of events.

What happened was this: He seemed comfortable in his own skin, he seemed confident and open. He was kind, gentle, loving and passionate. He pushed me down and intimated sex with me at least three times per day, for three days in a row.

I felt desired.

I felt wanted by him. He actually showed me just how sexual and strong he can be. I was hooked and obsessed with this and the feelings that it gave me. I felt beautiful and needed and I had his full attention. I cannot describe to you just how important this was to me, and how I literally felt whole and confident myself.

For the first time in our relationship, I felt like he desired me sexually. I wish I could say I was being dramatic. I wish I could say this is an exaggeration... But it really is not. Aside from those three days, I cannot remember the last time I felt that he genuinely wanted to fuck me without me having to hint, initiation or guilt trip him.

I should explain. It is not that he... See I am sitting here trying to make a million excuses as to why he doesn't really enjoy sex. And I have a million excuses, but none of them really seem right... I don't know what it is that makes him not desire sex. He says it is not just me, that he has always been like this. He says it is because he has never been with a woman that actually needs and wants sex before. He says it is because he is stressed at work and it crushes the desire... He says that his whole life, sex has just never really been on his mind.

Now all of these things are good and true, but it doesn't change how much it hurts me. We are newly wedded. We have been married for a little over a year. We have known each other in real life for little over a year. Hell we got married within three days of meeting each other in person. But we never had a honey moon phase, not only that but shouldn't we still be in it? That passionate, fuck like rabbits stage of a relationship? If I am feeling like this now, then what does that mean for our relationship in two or three years, when sex is supposed to die down in a marriage... Statistically speaking...

So, I have spent a year trying to fix this. To make myself better for him so that we can have the passionate, sexual and loving relationship that I need more than anything on the planet. Even now everything I do is pretty much to fix this issue. I am losing weight so that I can be more attractive for him. Not that he wants me to, he says I am fine and he loves me. Never has he given me any negativity or criticism over my appearance. But still, the reason I want to be fit and sexy is so that he desires me.

I want to look good in my lace underwear, tutu's and nightgowns. I want him to come home from work, see me and instantly want to fuck me. I want to feel desired like that, loved like that, wanted like that. I want to force myself to get up early every morning to work out, shower, dress up and do my make up, so that when he gets home from work he sees something sexually attractive. Wow, it sounds like I have absolutely no self-esteem.

I used to have self-esteem. I used to have a fair amount of it, but now I find myself wanting to change in so many ways just so that my husband will give me intimacy. It is why I read the Surrendered Wife, it is why I pretty much do everything.

Right now I am being completely honest about what goes on in my head, and the more I write the more I realize how fucked up and unhealthy this all sounds. How it makes my relationship sound. That I am so starved for genuine sexual attention, passion and intimacy that I would change all these things about myself.

I feel so sorry for my Husband. He is the best and kindest man on the whole planet. He looks after me and puts me first when it is needed, usually. He talks with me and tries so hard to please me when I am this needy. He never meant to hurt me with any of this, he never meant to make me feel this way. I know he hates that I do feel this, but I don't know what to do because it all does make me feel like this. The poor bastard is just being himself and I am... Am I way too needy?

That's the thing though, in this D/s relationship I want to be needy. I need to be needy. I want to be dependent on him in a way that vanilla folk would consider unhealthy. I want to have a passionate sexual relationship, but I feel like I am asking too much. Is that too much to ask? Should I just accept the fact that perhaps it will never be based on the kind of sexual intimacy that I crave? But that's the thing, the whole D/s dynamic is insanely sexual and erotic. To submit to him makes me so turned on I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't submit and not have it tie in completely and deeply with my sexuality. I am not a step-ford wife, I am not a 50's housewife. I am not a pushover or a meek powerless woman. I can't do D/s, DD or any form of submissive without it being hugely erotic and intimate. Kink sex turns me on and I crave it, but all I have is vanilla. I can't submit without a man who can make me. Without a Dom.

I want this issue to go away forever and I am willing to do whatever it takes.

I should get back on topic. So I read Surrendered Wife, and the results were fucking amazing. At least they were for three days to a week. Now we are back home and things... Well all that passion, desire, sex and intimacy is gone? Things went back to normal, and after my small taste of heaven I am fucking terrified of this normal.

Maybe it is his video games. See on holiday we did not have the games, so he was able to put me first and make me top priority. Now we are home and games are once again his desire. Not me, not sex, no passion, not intimacy. It is not like I can talk, I play games too. But I feel like I play games to pass time when I literally have nothing better to do. Where as he plays games because that is what he wants to do. I wish wish wish wish that what he wanted to do was me. I am not complaining about his games, I think games are fantastic and I likely love them just as much as he does.

But when it comes down to it, there is nothing on this world that is more important to me than feeling that passionate sexual love that I had a small glimpse of on those three days. What do I need to do in order to bring that back? How to I bring that back... Why did it go away, why have I lost it...

Did I slip back into making him feel disrespected? Why is this shit always on my mind. It taunts me constantly, my desire and craving for this passion and erotic bliss with him. I don't mean sex 24/7 but I do mean that kind of intimacy. I feel too needy but given the change and permission I would gladly become so much worse. I am ready and wanting to dedicated my whole existence to him, but the only way to make this craving and desire go the fuck away seems to be to force it inside of myself and literally kill who I am.

This issue could be solved if I got the intimacy I wanted, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Plus, I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. So I try take things into my own hands and fix the issue myself. Fuck, I don't know. I have no answers. All I  know is that I need and desire something that my Husband doesn't care much about and I don't know how to fix that or if it even can be fixed.

Rant over- Peace out.

Well the holidays have been intense for sure.

I took a break from writing for about two weeks. I must say I needed it, because my reasons for not sharing are basically because I do not know where to start. There has been so much going on in my head that I simply cannot untangle all these thoughts. That is a reason to blog though, right?

So I found some video's on you-tube. A woman who was something called a Surrendered Wife. She was very religious of course, and I am not so much into the whole submit to your Husband because God thing, but the concepts still humbled me. Not that she was doing it because of God, she did it for her relationship. Anyway, it seemed to be a lot like D/s, just without the Dominant.

I am not fond of the idea of Submission without a Dominant though, but perhaps it is somewhere to start? It seems to take half the connection out. The growth you build as a pair, the opportunity for play and discipline. The comfort and safety you need from your Dominant in order to let go. It is basically submission to an extent without any of that. Though I should explain further.

So the concepts are simple, but also very hard for your typical wife or girlfriend. Basically you actively stop controlling your man. Seems simple, right? But it is not. Woman often tend to control on so many levels due to a basic fear of not having our needs met that we learnt somewhere in our childhoods.

We may have been let down by a father figure, like me. Or maybe we were a younger sister who only got hand-me-downs and we felt hurt and abandoned. Perhaps it was as simple as not getting what we wanted to Christmas, but at some point in time these hurt feelings stuck with us and we decided that if we wanted things done, if we wanted to get what we needed in our relationships, then we need to do it ourselves.

So we learnt how to control. Of course everyone on the planet does this, not only woman. But the point is that we can only change and fix ourselves, not another. So we focus on us, on abandoning the need to control our relationships and letting our men grow into the confident partners we so dearly crave.

So, what is your control drama?

The concept of control is something I am quite familiar with. When I was a young girl I read the Celestine Prophecy books and took great interest. They had a similar idea when it came to control. We all have a control drama which we learnt in our childhoods. Each and every one of us. I always though I was fairly good, and in some ways I am. But over these last few weeks I realized I am actually terrified of giving up control because deep down I fear that my needs will go unmet and unnoticed.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, the concepts of a Surrendered Wife. So, a Surrendered Wife makes it a point to completely give up control over her Husband. Not control of herself though, she puts looking after herself first. Making sure that doing three things she loves for herself per day in order to keep herself pleased and happy. A pleased and happy wife of course makes for a much easier and intimate relationship.

It is simply to stop treating ones Husband like a child who needs constant looking after, and to start treating him as a man who is perfectly capable of being a responsible adult. The idea is that if you treat your Husband like a child, he literally will learn to act like one. If you treat him like an adult, then he will be free to be that strong confident man you fell in love with from day one.

I had no idea how controlling I have been over this last year. It was subtle in ways you could not pin down, but my god was it there. Never was I controlling to be cruel or unfair, but only because I have been so terrified in this new country and so worried that my needs would not be met. I have not trusted my Husband with this task at all. I have not let him look after me in his own ways, and I have taken it for granted when he did. Because it was not in the way I wanted and craved, I over-looked many of the things that he did do for me.

Its not all her fault. It's just she can only change herself.

Now before I go making it sound like this is all my fault, I want to add that it is not. We both have issues that need to be worked on. He needs to give me reason to trust him and place all my faith in his ability to lead. But at the same time, he is going to have a damn hard time leading if I am not going to trust that he can and will. The reason I am talking about me and my issues, is because that is all I can change. It is up to him to work on himself, and it is time I stopped trying to force him to act a certain way. If he is going to do it, he will. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. I need to trust that what he tells me is what he is going to do.

This is not easy. This hurts me and is very scary. Right now I have some things that make it hard to trust in general, and some of these I am unsure how to bring these up without damaging his confidence or seeking to change or control him. I feel like keeping my mouth shut is a little like a lie, to both myself and him. It is not a lie, but its just hard for me to let some things go, or find alternative ways to bring them up.

Some of the ways we control our Husbands are really so subtle you may not even realize they are happening. That is what it was like for me, I thought all of this stuff was fine and normal. Which it is to a degree, at least for females. But men do not work like us, they do not respond in the same way.

Here are some simple and common ways that Woman control their Husbands. Of course they mean no harm, they have the best always in mind. But these things also leave our Husbands feeling disrespected. If your man is feeling disrespected, he is not at all likely to try to please you like he would be if he were feeling strong, loved, supported, respected and confident.

• Brushing off his ideas, no matter how silly they may seem. 

• Telling him he should call a plumber when the toilet is broken, even though he offered to fix it himself. 

• Offering him your views and opinions on a problem he needs to solve when he has not asked for them. 

• Back seat driving in the car, or telling him that he missed an exit and is now going the wrong way.

• Belittling the way he does things, or offering to do them for him. Acting as though you have a better way to solve the problem. (Which you may, but that is not the point)

• Buying clothes, underwear and socks for him. 

• Being on his case about his diet or exercise. 

• Giving him lists of chores to do on weekends or when he comes home from work.

• Speaking for him in social situations, or explaining to others what he meant when he said something.

• Correcting him when he is telling stories or sharing experiences.

• Giving him 'the look' of disapproval. 

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.

                                                            Alan Watts

Too often we find people who abandoned who they really are, gave up on their hopes and dreams or picked a path based on what society perhaps told you was appropriate. It is a real shame to see this, but there are people out there who fight tooth and nail to be the best they possibly can while holding their true self and desires as close as ever. 

As a submissive I would assume you are one of those people, weather you are male or female. 

The word itself has such a negative connotation these days, people seem to think it means weak, unable to think for oneself, incapable of leadership, allowing oneself to be walked over or taken advantage of, doormat, fragile, meek, timid...

No, that is not the case anymore. Perhaps once upon a time when females had no choice and were even beaten or locked away in mental institutes for attempting to be dominant... I can understand how someone who has been suppressed and virtually abused their whole life would be a little timid and meek.

But now we have the choice, we are not (as) suppressed. We are strong humans with a genuine desire to serve. Lets work together to give the word -submissive- a fresh meaning.

Gender should not be an issue, yet we still face these challenges

Being a female in today's world means it is widely expected you are independent and strong, almost as though you need to put on the pants and strive to be a man in a male dominated society. Now that is not to say submissive's are not strong and independent people, because many if not the majority of us are. It is to say that in the last 50 years, relying on, or giving yourself completely to another has become somewhat frowned upon. We finally have freedom as an equal gender, usually. It is understandable that there is a little bit of stigma regarding females who wish to submit. But feminism is about having the option to pick and choose what YOU want with your life, not have another pick for you.

Now for men it has always been expected that you will be strong and independent. From a young age you have been taught that certain feelings or that too much feeling is not acceptable. To submit to someone, especially a woman, is something that is frowned upon by so many people whether we like it or not. It is considered weak and degrading and it is completely unfair. You are the strong and dominant gender, right? (Sarcasm) No, you are who-ever and what-ever you want to be. Besides, you are one hell of a strong person if you stick with what you want even when bombarded with the general ignorance of the masses telling you that as a man you submit to no one. 


This is what you are

• Strong, you enjoy putting others first
• Brave, you trust in the will of your Dominant
• Loving, you are willing to give him/her everything
• Gentle and receptive while being tough and brave
• Humble, able to learn from your mistakes
• Dedicated, willing to really give it your all
• Beautiful, a gift to be cherished
• Balanced, creating a gentle dynamic that flows.

But we push through anyway, knowing in our heart what we desire

Those of you that push past these social stigmas and keep heading towards what you feel is right in your heart, you are wonderful. You do what you feel is right for you, not what a culture or group of people said you should be doing. That is something to be very proud of my friends.

We have such strength and grace, the opposite of weakness

Submissive's are incredibly strong people. They know what they want, they work on themselves and they strive to be the best they can. They embrace fear and push boundaries, opening their hearts fully to another human being, knowing perfectly well this person could crush them in an instant.

We are brave enough to fall, we know we will find safety

But here we are, leaping into the void with open arms. We are completely vulnerable and free, even with chains around our bodies. We don't know what the future will hold but we trust that we can make it beautiful. We trust in our choice of partner and we give them everything, even the things we are too afraid to give ourselves. This takes such a huge amount of strength, it really does.

When you are told to do something by a dominant, and you know it is not what you do but you still put your faith in that person and let them pick for you. That is not easy and it deserves so much respect. When you are tied down and blindfolded, and your Master or Mistress is guiding you through something that is likely going to be scary and painful, but still you push on with such beautiful dedication and will. When you are in an argument with your husband or wife who also happens to be your Dominant, and you take a deep breath and let them have control even when you would rather give them a slap on the face... See what I mean?

You are something to be admired

When you submit... You are saying "Here I am world, come take me and give me the best you have and I promise I will come out better than ever!" See it is not just about having faith in your partner; you have to have a degree of faith in the universe. I don't mean blind faith here either. You made an informed decision to live life as you see it because it is better to live fully or not at all.

You are open minded too, am I right? You are not a judgmental person, but instead one who has empathy and a heart that reaches out to others in times of need. You love to see people smile, and it is even better when you know you had something to do with that smile. You strive to make those around you feel just a little bit better, and now you are seeking someone you can truly dedicate that side of yourself to.

Take it all in, hold these thoughts close

See it's not about needing guidance, you are perfectly capable of that yourself. But wanting guidance is another thing altogether, wanting to feel that same love given back to you that you so often give to others. To feel needed and desired, appreciated and loved while doing your best to give that to the other person. In a world where you spend so much time looking after others, you can finally feel what it is like to have someone deeply looking after you also.

All of you submissive folk are beautiful people. Don't you ever forget that.


I would love to know what you think your personal strengths are as a Submissive, or perhaps the things you are proud of in your Sub as a loving Dominant. Leave a comment below!


Picture found here.

Tonight it would seem I received a bit of a lecture. One that told me exactly what I needed to hear even if it was slightly hard at times to take. Not as hard as I would have thought though, something about listening to him speak and explain things, even in his frustration. I appreciate it, his talking and telling me exactly what is on his mind. 

Now I have a clear head and set purpose. I feel like things are grounded rather than crazy and out of control as I so often feel inside my own head. It really made a difference.

Often he is silent, as if his thoughts are held back and he struggles to speak. I am the opposite of this, and not in a good way. I find holding back emotion and thoughts that stem from my emotions to be very challenging indeed. As if  simply cannot breathe until the problem has been talked about. And by talk about I really mean ranting at my husband until there are no words left inside. 

Of course I need this, to be able to speak freely and get it all off my chest. The issue is that I too often do so out of pain and frustration, not out of love and empathy. It is so hard when you are feeling a strong emotion flowing through your veins, hard to rationalize and speak with the clarity you normally would. 


Sometimes we say things we will regret later

Those times when your intentions are for the best but the way you go about expressing them is so full of hurt. Sometimes good intentions are not enough, even if we can have compassion and understand why your actions were as they were. Because of that hurt little part inside of you, you subtly take shots at the other person in ways that are in fact designed to hurt them back. Well, who am I kidding, it is not always all that subtle.

You say things you normally would never say, you accuse and you aim your comments in ways that you know will make the other person feel pain, and even when you love them more than the world, you do it anyway because in those moments you think 'If they make me suffer, why shouldn't I show them what it is like to be hurt by the one you love?' Of course this is in no way correct nor fair, but it just tends to be the way thoughts go when you are suffering deeply.

Your loved one is in exactly the same boat though, they never really meant to hurt you, its just they are so full of pain that sometimes things slip out that are not true nor fair to say. Or they do something that hurts you, when they did not even know they were hurting you in the first place.


But we need to learn to listen deeply and with love

Misunderstandings are common and they stem from simply being human. But as we grow and work on our skills with empathy, communication and understanding, we can gradually change that. We can change it to the point that we really do speak with the heart and soul of your partner directly rather than just hearing the words they say on the surface and thinking that you understand without having ever really listened at all.

So my problem is speaking cruelly from hurt and angry when I am upset and failing to acknowledge the good things done for me in attempt to ease the misunderstanding and give me support. My dear husband told me this quiet clearly tonight after a small argument, and perhaps for the first time I am really doing my best to listen.

It has something to do with a change of mindset within me, that we are both working on finding our place within the wide world of D/s. I am starting to think twice about all the times I shrug off his opinions, simply because my own are so clear and strong. Its not the say I think I am wrong, but I need to stop thinking that he is wrong also. It is perspective, and his is just as valid and strong as mine.


We need to learn to trust the other, that they desire only to love and care

I don't have to agree with him to be respectful, and I do not have to agree with him to submit. Not that this is really about D/s at all, but my mind does go there automatically now. I think about my path into submission and how I am going to need to stand down and listen to him completely with his views and opinions being law. Of course we have awhile to go, we will not rush this. Trust is something that needs to be built until I am ready to let him have control, and the same goes for him with trusting me to give him a damn chance.

From now on I am going to take extra care to show my appreciation and joy a the things he does for me, rather than focusing on nit picking at the things he is yet to learn. His offer to make me a cup of tea is loving and perfect, even if I am yearning for a cuddle and a few kind words. He is not the best with affection, and I am not the best at being kind in times of pain.

But this fine, because it is our journey together. Our exploration of this world and what it means to live fully as a human being. I will forever be holding his hand through thick and thin. Our arguments make us stronger and closer each time, and for this I am grateful.


And in time we will learn to be loving and vulnerable

I must add that writing this down as I am really helps set it in my head. It makes it a serious matter that is hard to forget, and I do deeply need this. It is why I want punishment, not because I will enjoy the act of being punished, but because I know that it will help me learn quite likely better than anything else.

I don't want to have a casual conversation about an issue and have it fade into the back of my mind as the days pass. I want to have a lecture like I got tonight, a fitting punishment to go with it, and then a gentle conversation and cuddle to make sure I really got it through my head.

My words and voice can be so over powering sometimes it is really a wonder that he speaks at all. (slight exaggeration) I would love to see my husband with the confidence to put his foot down with confidence and set things straight. I do trust him with this, 100% It is just I need to give him the chance, and he needs to see the proof that it will really work and make a difference.

Rather than push them away in fear

I may not be a conventional wife, but I am a damn dedicated one. But having a firm hand to guide me truly helps, just like it did tonight. I need to stop pushing him away when I am upset, because I do need him deeply, and I am sick of pretending otherwise.

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.

Ann Landers

Coming soon to a webpage near you! Or in front of you, likely on your screen... Right now in fact!

Hello lovely's!

I have an insane amount of work to do in order to get my blog up and running for you all! Of course I am super excited, a tiny bit overwhelmed but completely 100% ready to make something truly special.

I moved from Tumblr literally about three or four days ago now, and I think I am doing pretty damn well with getting it all together considering the massive amount of writing to be done.

I have no intention of rushing any posts though! Each and every single one will be created to feed your soul and infuse you with loving and informative writing regarding BDSM, D/s and Spirituality.

I ask that you hang in there during these initial phases, because right now getting everything set is going to take a little more time, but oh will it be worth it!

Are you excited!? I sure am!

See you soon lovely's - Much love and kisses, Spiritually Submissive.