Dominance for Beginners

What is a Dominant? 

A Dominant is a person who enjoys taking control or being dominant over his or her life, but more specifically enjoys expressing this dominance over another person. This person is called the Submissive and you can read more about that here.

Being a Dominant is a huge responsibility and the role should not be taken lightly. He or she is literally responsible for another persons well-being. This could be in their day to day life, or it could just be for scenes or in the bedroom.

A Dominant is

• In control of his or her actions
• Always honest
• In control of unhealthy or negative emotion
• A fantastic communicator
• Eager to learn
• Aware of his or her limits
• Patient
• Not trying to be something he or she is not
• Understanding of limitations
• Always caring
• Able to put his or her Submissive first

Having a Dominant Personality

Being a Dominant does not just mean being rough in the bedroom. In fact it is far more than just sex. It is the ability to take control and do the responsible caring thing in any given situation. It is having the ability to lead others responsibly and with care. It is an attitude. A way of being.

Ask yourself: Are you capable of making sound choices when another is in need? Are you able to put someone else first in all situations, making sure they are safe and content?

Being A Dominant is not always easy

It would seem many new Dominants think that they can put a Dom hat on and suddenly they are going to get everything they ever wanted from the Submissive without having to actually do any work. They think the Submissive is literally going to obey blindly and serve their every waking desire without question. No, this is not the case. At least, not until you earn it.

Your Submissive needs to be able to trust completely that you have his or her desires, wants and needs in your mind at all times. If he or she does not know this, then you are failing as a Dominant.

Your Submissive is your number one priority. That is final. You will get his or her submission once you earn it. Once he or she has good reason to respect and trust you with his or her mind, body and spirit.

A Dominant is human. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to struggle, you are going to second guess choices. This is normal and it happens. It is how you deal with and fix these mistakes that really matters. When you make a mistake, fix it responsibly.

The Dominant Head Space

As you learn you will find you are able to slip into Dom Space more and more easily. This means you will go from normal thinking to 'Time to control this Sub and have some fun' thinking. It is a little like taking on a role for a period of time, have fun with it. Explore.

Sometimes you will not even feel like being in your Dominant head space. Sometimes you need to relax and take a break. This is fine and totally normal, it will happen and the same is likely to happen to your Sub.

For more on Head Spaces click here.

Control over oneself before control over another

A Dominant needs to be in control of him or herself. If you cannot be in control of yourself, how can you safely control another?

This means he or she is in control of emotion. You do not ever punish out of anger, frustration, jealousy or rage. This would be very dangerous indeed and is not taking responsible care of your Submissive.

A good Dominant keeps his life in order and takes care of himself. He takes pride in himself and his possessions, this of course includes his Submissive. If he is too lazy to look after himself, then he most certainly cannot look after another human being.

Taking responsibility for a Submissive's well-being

It is a Dominants job to look after and take responsibility for his or her Submissive at all times. Of course there is the obvious stuff like this simple scenario: You have a chained down submissive who is completely helpless. She is 100% relying on you to take care and put her safety first. Both physically and mentally.

Not only that, but if you are a Dom out of the bedroom too, then your Submissive is looking to you as a leader, guide, protector, caregiver and Master. You are a God to him or her.

Your submissive is going to have head spaces where he or she becomes very dependent and it is the Dominant's responsibility to make sure she is never ever intentionally hurt, and to minimize all possibility of unintentional hurt as much as possible.

It is important for both parties to put one another first. The Submissive does this openly, but so does the Dominant even if it is not as out in the open.

Click here to read more about putting your Submissive first

Dominance and Submission in the bedroom

See how the main focus of this post is hardly sexual at all? That's because being a good Dominant is a mind thing. It is how you act and hold yourself, not just how well you can swing a whip.

However D/s is a highly sexual thing, and you are likely to find your Submissive is aroused when you give him or her orders. Everything about D/s oozes sexual energy, and this is beautiful, fine and perfect. I am not going to go into detail about D/s in the bedroom here, as that would be far too much writing on one post.