I have had so much change going on lately, it is hard to know where to start. I brought the book Surrendered Wife and started reading it a day before going on holiday to my Mother-in-law's house for Christmas. This was about a week after my husband gave me a fantastic lecture about the importance of respect and kindness when I am feeling upset.

The lecture helped me more than I can describe, and the book also gave me a serious wake up call. I value all the information it holds, even if I do not quite like or agree with all of it. It is still nice to see that point of view, and find out a little about how exactly husbands react to feeling disrespected in a relationship.

Now within literally a day of reading this book, I felt completely reborn and new. I saw things clearly and I felt like I finally had a way to give my Husband what he needs, and in return hopefully get the things I need. My god did my Husband notice instantly.

It was fantastic. It was pure heaven for me. It was everything I could have asked for at this point in our relationship. The thing is, to me these few days were a fucking huge deal, but perhaps to you, you may wonder why I was so taken back by this turn of events.

What happened was this: He seemed comfortable in his own skin, he seemed confident and open. He was kind, gentle, loving and passionate. He pushed me down and intimated sex with me at least three times per day, for three days in a row.

I felt desired.

I felt wanted by him. He actually showed me just how sexual and strong he can be. I was hooked and obsessed with this and the feelings that it gave me. I felt beautiful and needed and I had his full attention. I cannot describe to you just how important this was to me, and how I literally felt whole and confident myself.

For the first time in our relationship, I felt like he desired me sexually. I wish I could say I was being dramatic. I wish I could say this is an exaggeration... But it really is not. Aside from those three days, I cannot remember the last time I felt that he genuinely wanted to fuck me without me having to hint, initiation or guilt trip him.

I should explain. It is not that he... See I am sitting here trying to make a million excuses as to why he doesn't really enjoy sex. And I have a million excuses, but none of them really seem right... I don't know what it is that makes him not desire sex. He says it is not just me, that he has always been like this. He says it is because he has never been with a woman that actually needs and wants sex before. He says it is because he is stressed at work and it crushes the desire... He says that his whole life, sex has just never really been on his mind.

Now all of these things are good and true, but it doesn't change how much it hurts me. We are newly wedded. We have been married for a little over a year. We have known each other in real life for little over a year. Hell we got married within three days of meeting each other in person. But we never had a honey moon phase, not only that but shouldn't we still be in it? That passionate, fuck like rabbits stage of a relationship? If I am feeling like this now, then what does that mean for our relationship in two or three years, when sex is supposed to die down in a marriage... Statistically speaking...

So, I have spent a year trying to fix this. To make myself better for him so that we can have the passionate, sexual and loving relationship that I need more than anything on the planet. Even now everything I do is pretty much to fix this issue. I am losing weight so that I can be more attractive for him. Not that he wants me to, he says I am fine and he loves me. Never has he given me any negativity or criticism over my appearance. But still, the reason I want to be fit and sexy is so that he desires me.

I want to look good in my lace underwear, tutu's and nightgowns. I want him to come home from work, see me and instantly want to fuck me. I want to feel desired like that, loved like that, wanted like that. I want to force myself to get up early every morning to work out, shower, dress up and do my make up, so that when he gets home from work he sees something sexually attractive. Wow, it sounds like I have absolutely no self-esteem.

I used to have self-esteem. I used to have a fair amount of it, but now I find myself wanting to change in so many ways just so that my husband will give me intimacy. It is why I read the Surrendered Wife, it is why I pretty much do everything.

Right now I am being completely honest about what goes on in my head, and the more I write the more I realize how fucked up and unhealthy this all sounds. How it makes my relationship sound. That I am so starved for genuine sexual attention, passion and intimacy that I would change all these things about myself.

I feel so sorry for my Husband. He is the best and kindest man on the whole planet. He looks after me and puts me first when it is needed, usually. He talks with me and tries so hard to please me when I am this needy. He never meant to hurt me with any of this, he never meant to make me feel this way. I know he hates that I do feel this, but I don't know what to do because it all does make me feel like this. The poor bastard is just being himself and I am... Am I way too needy?

That's the thing though, in this D/s relationship I want to be needy. I need to be needy. I want to be dependent on him in a way that vanilla folk would consider unhealthy. I want to have a passionate sexual relationship, but I feel like I am asking too much. Is that too much to ask? Should I just accept the fact that perhaps it will never be based on the kind of sexual intimacy that I crave? But that's the thing, the whole D/s dynamic is insanely sexual and erotic. To submit to him makes me so turned on I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't submit and not have it tie in completely and deeply with my sexuality. I am not a step-ford wife, I am not a 50's housewife. I am not a pushover or a meek powerless woman. I can't do D/s, DD or any form of submissive without it being hugely erotic and intimate. Kink sex turns me on and I crave it, but all I have is vanilla. I can't submit without a man who can make me. Without a Dom.

I want this issue to go away forever and I am willing to do whatever it takes.

I should get back on topic. So I read Surrendered Wife, and the results were fucking amazing. At least they were for three days to a week. Now we are back home and things... Well all that passion, desire, sex and intimacy is gone? Things went back to normal, and after my small taste of heaven I am fucking terrified of this normal.

Maybe it is his video games. See on holiday we did not have the games, so he was able to put me first and make me top priority. Now we are home and games are once again his desire. Not me, not sex, no passion, not intimacy. It is not like I can talk, I play games too. But I feel like I play games to pass time when I literally have nothing better to do. Where as he plays games because that is what he wants to do. I wish wish wish wish that what he wanted to do was me. I am not complaining about his games, I think games are fantastic and I likely love them just as much as he does.

But when it comes down to it, there is nothing on this world that is more important to me than feeling that passionate sexual love that I had a small glimpse of on those three days. What do I need to do in order to bring that back? How to I bring that back... Why did it go away, why have I lost it...

Did I slip back into making him feel disrespected? Why is this shit always on my mind. It taunts me constantly, my desire and craving for this passion and erotic bliss with him. I don't mean sex 24/7 but I do mean that kind of intimacy. I feel too needy but given the change and permission I would gladly become so much worse. I am ready and wanting to dedicated my whole existence to him, but the only way to make this craving and desire go the fuck away seems to be to force it inside of myself and literally kill who I am.

This issue could be solved if I got the intimacy I wanted, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Plus, I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. So I try take things into my own hands and fix the issue myself. Fuck, I don't know. I have no answers. All I  know is that I need and desire something that my Husband doesn't care much about and I don't know how to fix that or if it even can be fixed.

Rant over- Peace out.

Today I decided to take action and start documenting the basics of each day, eating, moods, thoughts, feelings, nice things, not so nice things and general whatever.

This is what I intended originally for this blog, a diary for my thoughts so that my Husband could better understand me. As you can see, it became more of a resource for everyone starting out on their D/s journey just like me.

Diet

Food

Two pieces of Toast with 3 whole Tomatoes and two strips of Bacon
1/2 cup of Orzo Pasta with Salmon Fillet, Tomatoes and Avocado

Drink

Drink bottle of water
Large glass of water
Two cups of Tea with Milk and two Sugar each.'
Small cup of Milk

Exercise 

Two beginners yoga for weight loss sessions - 25 mins each.
Leg exercises while being lazy in bed.

Wants

Pretty clothes so I can feel cute again. I want pink, girly and comfortable. Dresses, hair ribbons again. Nice feminine things. I don't feel sexy often, but I sure as hell can pull off cute as fuck. Oh, and those over the knee socks.

Thoughts and Feelings

I have been fairly drained today. All that exercise seems to be really paying off, though I still feel that perhaps it is not enough? The stretching is great, and the muscle building too. But I would like to find a way to incorporate more cardio style stuff, things to get sweating and the heart rate up. Over all I feel motivated, like I can keep doing this and genuinely enjoy it. I need to lose the weight I gained since coming to America, I need to feel good, healthy and beautiful again.

D/s wise, I have been fairly stable today. Not too needy and fairly comfortable with everything. I think this is due to the conversation had in the last few days, along with the proof I have been getting when Husband shows me this is what he wants and enjoys too. I really feel like I have been seeing it the last week or two, like something kinda changed in him and it really is fantastic.

No idea where his new confidence came, but I hope it has something to do with my stepping back a little and actually making effort to do my part of the bargain too. Things like listening and taking what he says with the 'submissive' attitude, which makes a huge difference and also makes it very much easier for me to take criticism. I find I almost desire to hear the things I need to work on in this state. Not that its not still a little hard, but it also makes me feel so much better.

He has been so good at looking after me, just doing little things like tucking me into bed and offering me drinks. Hell, he did not even put up a fuss at all over calling to order me food because I am too scared of using phones in America for some reason. Again, its not like I think this is his job, but it makes me feel really good when he does it for me and looks after me in that way.

Also his consistency and putting his foot down on certain things is really nice too. He is not exactly jumping at the chance to punish me, not at all. I still don't know if things like spankings will happen anytime soon. But if I fail to do something for whatever reason, then he is asking me to make sure it happens tomorrow, along with what ever I was supposed to do tomorrow anyway. So, he is starting to not let me get away with shit, which makes me feel amazing and in all honesty I need it. I want it.

I feel like I can do anything with him there making sure I do. I feel like, I am leaning very heavily on him with these things and I am not sure what to think about this. It is hard to explain. I WANT him to take it very seriously when I don't do something I said I would. I don't want it to be something I can just get away with. Because if I can, not only am I disrespecting him but also myself. Of course it is harder because I am not yet sure he has found the reasons for himself to enjoy me doing these things. I guess right now his motivation is purely selfless, which is great and perfect but I want a little bit of selfish too.

Its like... I am SO much more motivated when I know he wants something from me, or for me to do something because it will directly please him for his own reasons. Not just "Do this for me, because I know you want to do it." But sometimes "Do this for me, because this is what I desire." If that makes sense. Trying to think of another example... Like, "I want you to learn to cook better because I want nice food provided to me and because it will make you feel better about yourself." not "I want you to learn to cook because it will make you feel good, but otherwise I honestly don't care. I am doing this for you."

I don't even know why I started ranting about that, I guess its just something that... Well when I hear that he is doing it for me, but doesn't actually care about it himself, then I get a little down and upset inside. Kinda struggle with these feelings to be honest.

Anyway, I am looking forward to my new book turning up. It is called the surrendered wife and I am assuming it is going to be heavily religious. Not my thing, but these Christian woman do seem to into the same shit as me, but without all the crazy dirty sex. I hope this book will help me a lot, well... I know it will. Husband seems pretty keen on it also, though I am still not sure if it is for me or because he WANTS it.

I do not want to sound like I am complaining about his selfless behavior, because I honestly can't think of a better way for a Dom to start off. He really does have all the right qualities, and I know for sure I can trust him with taking care of my heart and soul. I am not ready to give it all up yet, but I know we will get there. I just need to see him wanting it and enjoying it kinda like I do, that and knowing that my needs and values will be top priority for him also. Once that happens, I won't need to worry about me anymore, I can put everything 100% into him.

Kinda over writing right now, my mind and body are exhausted. Going to go play some games, Elder Scrolls online FTW.