Personal Post: Assholes, Don't be one.

Tonight it would seem I received a bit of a lecture. One that told me exactly what I needed to hear even if it was slightly hard at times to take. Not as hard as I would have thought though, something about listening to him speak and explain things, even in his frustration. I appreciate it, his talking and telling me exactly what is on his mind. 

Now I have a clear head and set purpose. I feel like things are grounded rather than crazy and out of control as I so often feel inside my own head. It really made a difference.

Often he is silent, as if his thoughts are held back and he struggles to speak. I am the opposite of this, and not in a good way. I find holding back emotion and thoughts that stem from my emotions to be very challenging indeed. As if  simply cannot breathe until the problem has been talked about. And by talk about I really mean ranting at my husband until there are no words left inside. 

Of course I need this, to be able to speak freely and get it all off my chest. The issue is that I too often do so out of pain and frustration, not out of love and empathy. It is so hard when you are feeling a strong emotion flowing through your veins, hard to rationalize and speak with the clarity you normally would. 


Sometimes we say things we will regret later

Those times when your intentions are for the best but the way you go about expressing them is so full of hurt. Sometimes good intentions are not enough, even if we can have compassion and understand why your actions were as they were. Because of that hurt little part inside of you, you subtly take shots at the other person in ways that are in fact designed to hurt them back. Well, who am I kidding, it is not always all that subtle.

You say things you normally would never say, you accuse and you aim your comments in ways that you know will make the other person feel pain, and even when you love them more than the world, you do it anyway because in those moments you think 'If they make me suffer, why shouldn't I show them what it is like to be hurt by the one you love?' Of course this is in no way correct nor fair, but it just tends to be the way thoughts go when you are suffering deeply.

Your loved one is in exactly the same boat though, they never really meant to hurt you, its just they are so full of pain that sometimes things slip out that are not true nor fair to say. Or they do something that hurts you, when they did not even know they were hurting you in the first place.


But we need to learn to listen deeply and with love

Misunderstandings are common and they stem from simply being human. But as we grow and work on our skills with empathy, communication and understanding, we can gradually change that. We can change it to the point that we really do speak with the heart and soul of your partner directly rather than just hearing the words they say on the surface and thinking that you understand without having ever really listened at all.

So my problem is speaking cruelly from hurt and angry when I am upset and failing to acknowledge the good things done for me in attempt to ease the misunderstanding and give me support. My dear husband told me this quiet clearly tonight after a small argument, and perhaps for the first time I am really doing my best to listen.

It has something to do with a change of mindset within me, that we are both working on finding our place within the wide world of D/s. I am starting to think twice about all the times I shrug off his opinions, simply because my own are so clear and strong. Its not the say I think I am wrong, but I need to stop thinking that he is wrong also. It is perspective, and his is just as valid and strong as mine.


We need to learn to trust the other, that they desire only to love and care

I don't have to agree with him to be respectful, and I do not have to agree with him to submit. Not that this is really about D/s at all, but my mind does go there automatically now. I think about my path into submission and how I am going to need to stand down and listen to him completely with his views and opinions being law. Of course we have awhile to go, we will not rush this. Trust is something that needs to be built until I am ready to let him have control, and the same goes for him with trusting me to give him a damn chance.

From now on I am going to take extra care to show my appreciation and joy a the things he does for me, rather than focusing on nit picking at the things he is yet to learn. His offer to make me a cup of tea is loving and perfect, even if I am yearning for a cuddle and a few kind words. He is not the best with affection, and I am not the best at being kind in times of pain.

But this fine, because it is our journey together. Our exploration of this world and what it means to live fully as a human being. I will forever be holding his hand through thick and thin. Our arguments make us stronger and closer each time, and for this I am grateful.


And in time we will learn to be loving and vulnerable

I must add that writing this down as I am really helps set it in my head. It makes it a serious matter that is hard to forget, and I do deeply need this. It is why I want punishment, not because I will enjoy the act of being punished, but because I know that it will help me learn quite likely better than anything else.

I don't want to have a casual conversation about an issue and have it fade into the back of my mind as the days pass. I want to have a lecture like I got tonight, a fitting punishment to go with it, and then a gentle conversation and cuddle to make sure I really got it through my head.

My words and voice can be so over powering sometimes it is really a wonder that he speaks at all. (slight exaggeration) I would love to see my husband with the confidence to put his foot down with confidence and set things straight. I do trust him with this, 100% It is just I need to give him the chance, and he needs to see the proof that it will really work and make a difference.

Rather than push them away in fear

I may not be a conventional wife, but I am a damn dedicated one. But having a firm hand to guide me truly helps, just like it did tonight. I need to stop pushing him away when I am upset, because I do need him deeply, and I am sick of pretending otherwise.

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.

Ann Landers