Dear Diary - 11/12/2014

Today I decided to take action and start documenting the basics of each day, eating, moods, thoughts, feelings, nice things, not so nice things and general whatever.

This is what I intended originally for this blog, a diary for my thoughts so that my Husband could better understand me. As you can see, it became more of a resource for everyone starting out on their D/s journey just like me.

Diet

Food

Two pieces of Toast with 3 whole Tomatoes and two strips of Bacon
1/2 cup of Orzo Pasta with Salmon Fillet, Tomatoes and Avocado

Drink

Drink bottle of water
Large glass of water
Two cups of Tea with Milk and two Sugar each.'
Small cup of Milk

Exercise 

Two beginners yoga for weight loss sessions - 25 mins each.
Leg exercises while being lazy in bed.

Wants

Pretty clothes so I can feel cute again. I want pink, girly and comfortable. Dresses, hair ribbons again. Nice feminine things. I don't feel sexy often, but I sure as hell can pull off cute as fuck. Oh, and those over the knee socks.

Thoughts and Feelings

I have been fairly drained today. All that exercise seems to be really paying off, though I still feel that perhaps it is not enough? The stretching is great, and the muscle building too. But I would like to find a way to incorporate more cardio style stuff, things to get sweating and the heart rate up. Over all I feel motivated, like I can keep doing this and genuinely enjoy it. I need to lose the weight I gained since coming to America, I need to feel good, healthy and beautiful again.

D/s wise, I have been fairly stable today. Not too needy and fairly comfortable with everything. I think this is due to the conversation had in the last few days, along with the proof I have been getting when Husband shows me this is what he wants and enjoys too. I really feel like I have been seeing it the last week or two, like something kinda changed in him and it really is fantastic.

No idea where his new confidence came, but I hope it has something to do with my stepping back a little and actually making effort to do my part of the bargain too. Things like listening and taking what he says with the 'submissive' attitude, which makes a huge difference and also makes it very much easier for me to take criticism. I find I almost desire to hear the things I need to work on in this state. Not that its not still a little hard, but it also makes me feel so much better.

He has been so good at looking after me, just doing little things like tucking me into bed and offering me drinks. Hell, he did not even put up a fuss at all over calling to order me food because I am too scared of using phones in America for some reason. Again, its not like I think this is his job, but it makes me feel really good when he does it for me and looks after me in that way.

Also his consistency and putting his foot down on certain things is really nice too. He is not exactly jumping at the chance to punish me, not at all. I still don't know if things like spankings will happen anytime soon. But if I fail to do something for whatever reason, then he is asking me to make sure it happens tomorrow, along with what ever I was supposed to do tomorrow anyway. So, he is starting to not let me get away with shit, which makes me feel amazing and in all honesty I need it. I want it.

I feel like I can do anything with him there making sure I do. I feel like, I am leaning very heavily on him with these things and I am not sure what to think about this. It is hard to explain. I WANT him to take it very seriously when I don't do something I said I would. I don't want it to be something I can just get away with. Because if I can, not only am I disrespecting him but also myself. Of course it is harder because I am not yet sure he has found the reasons for himself to enjoy me doing these things. I guess right now his motivation is purely selfless, which is great and perfect but I want a little bit of selfish too.

Its like... I am SO much more motivated when I know he wants something from me, or for me to do something because it will directly please him for his own reasons. Not just "Do this for me, because I know you want to do it." But sometimes "Do this for me, because this is what I desire." If that makes sense. Trying to think of another example... Like, "I want you to learn to cook better because I want nice food provided to me and because it will make you feel better about yourself." not "I want you to learn to cook because it will make you feel good, but otherwise I honestly don't care. I am doing this for you."

I don't even know why I started ranting about that, I guess its just something that... Well when I hear that he is doing it for me, but doesn't actually care about it himself, then I get a little down and upset inside. Kinda struggle with these feelings to be honest.

Anyway, I am looking forward to my new book turning up. It is called the surrendered wife and I am assuming it is going to be heavily religious. Not my thing, but these Christian woman do seem to into the same shit as me, but without all the crazy dirty sex. I hope this book will help me a lot, well... I know it will. Husband seems pretty keen on it also, though I am still not sure if it is for me or because he WANTS it.

I do not want to sound like I am complaining about his selfless behavior, because I honestly can't think of a better way for a Dom to start off. He really does have all the right qualities, and I know for sure I can trust him with taking care of my heart and soul. I am not ready to give it all up yet, but I know we will get there. I just need to see him wanting it and enjoying it kinda like I do, that and knowing that my needs and values will be top priority for him also. Once that happens, I won't need to worry about me anymore, I can put everything 100% into him.

Kinda over writing right now, my mind and body are exhausted. Going to go play some games, Elder Scrolls online FTW.