Ramblings... The End.

Had a dream last night where I got to be your little, your submissive. Wasn’t much of a dream, just enough to remind me of what it all felt like. Everything I used to long for, and shit. Woke up, cried, cried some more. Got over it, but it put me in a bad mood. Then, like usual I got thinking about things, tried to happy space myself via music. You came home, prioritized sitting on the toilet reading facebook over tending to me, because any decent excuse to avoid an upset wife is worth taking. I really don’t see the point in talking about it anymore, I’ve already told you on many occasions how mentally drained I am over our relationship issues, but you don’t seem to listen, even though your catch phrase is “I understand.” That catch phrase stupidly makes me feel better, and stupidly works, but I am starting to see it doesn’t mean all that much. I mean, it means a little. Some, enough to get by, but it’s lacking in emotional depth, because it comes with no action. Just words.

Words are a funny thing, really. Say them and win someone over, calm them, reassure them, please them. But, there is a reason people say words are lies, isn’t there? Because on their own words mean absolutely nothing. Words without action are nothing more than procrastination, deceit and excuse. They are a cover, a shield against rejection and vulnerability. They are a way to shut someone up, to create the illusion of change or progression. But, in a society where we all wear masks, and masquerade around, it is only to be expected, really. We all do it after all. I feel like it is now beginning to be stupid of me to expect anything else, and it is perfectly –normal- in marriage. I still feel the stupid girl who thought she’d get a fairy tale and too swiftly fell back to reality.

Imagine if you started dating a girl, and you both really liked each other, you both really clicked. Then a few months in, she stopped saying nice things, she stopped flirting with you, complimenting you, and saying that she loved you. Of course you’d begin to wonder; you’d be quite hurt and likely wonder what on earth you’d done wrong. So, you bring up the matter and she gets defensive…This leads to a massive argument, and after a few hours of silent treatment on both sides, you manage to get conversation flowing again. At this point, she tells you that she does love you very much, you are perfect, beautiful and her entire world. You feel better, you believe her of course. How could you have been so stupid, to doubt her so?
After the argument is patched up, things go back to how they were. She never gives you compliments, never hugs or holds you, never says she loves you. In fact she completely acts like the argument never ever happened, and all the concern you’d brought up never actually existed. You get upset again, and it’s only been a few days but a few days without that is kind of a big deal. Again she gets defensive, and so do you. A massive, heart tearing argument happens. Things get smashed, you cry and yell. She retreats into herself, and the silent treatment on both sides happens again for three or four hours. Eventually, you both get together and work things out. She insists that you are wrong, she loves you so very much, you and handsome, and perfect, and she couldn’t be happier. As soon as the post-argument talk is finished, things go back to how they were.

A week later, you still have not received any compliments, hugs, kind words, smiles; I love you’s or general intimacy. You begin to wonder, why does she insist that she indeed feels all of these things, but literally never ever shows you, unless it is after a fight? Why does she use words to reassure you, but once you are not in –dire- need of reassuring, everything goes back to how it was? So you get upset, your heart hurts, you don’t really understand because you are constantly being told one thing, but never are there any actions to follow it up. You bring the matter up with her again, and surprise surprise, the same thing happens. She gets defensive and silent, a fight happens. A few hours of silence. Eventually make up talk, during which time you are given reassurance in the form of words. Of course, once everything is fixed, it all goes back to normal. She says nothing kind, she doesn’t say she loves you, she doesn’t try and initiate sex, nor give you kisses. She gives you absolutely no proof at all that she actually means anything she said.
This all goes on every few days for around about a year. A year of arguments over the same thing. A year where you get reassuring words only AFTER you’ve had a fight, and once the fight is gone – Nothing changes. She continues to neglect you, unless it is an absolute emergency. The words are used to bandage the wound, to put off the hurt a little longer. The words are used as shallow, meaningless reassurance. Sure, she might be speaking the truth, but she obviously doesn’t care enough to -actually do something about it.-

Slowly things start to change. For one, you start caring less, so it doesn’t hurt so much to go days and days without any affection at all from your own partner. Two: Now and again, you’ll get an I love you from her, or perhaps every couple of weeks she might give you a kiss on the cheek. It’s fuck all, in fact it is completely pathetic really, but it is something, right? Progression? Or… Enough to keep you dangling on the edge just a little longer. In fact, doesn’t this all start to seem like… Well she’s only saying these nice things when you are literally on the verge of a breakdown, and… The little kiss on the cheek and things you get every now and again, they serve as what? And excuse for her to say “You have proof I am trying.” Without actually trying at all?

I mean it seems to me like this woman is in fact doing everything in her power to keep you –happy enough-  that you won’t leave, without actually changing anything at all. It’s kind of a genius manipulation strategy when you look at it that way. Feed someone JUST enough that they can’t say you are not feeding them, even though they are starving to death. Temporarily fix the issue every time it comes up, but completely ignore it the rest of the time. Sadly, the issue at stake is a man who has given himself to a woman, and the woman is shitting all over him while neglecting him completely and then doing the bare minimum to keep the relationship afloat.

Now the question is, does the woman mean it when she insists she does care after an argument? Maybe she does, but do you think it is fair that this becomes an excuse for completely neglecting the man that she is with? Maybe her reason for never saying I love you, and never showing she cares is… Because she’s afraid of being vulnerable… There you go. She can’t give affection, because she somehow sees affection is weakness. I mean, it’s a valid psychological explanation, isn’t it? So perhaps the man says he understands, and continues to live with her bullshit day after day, because… Well, she’s got past trauma that stops her from actually putting ANYTHING into action. Honestly? It’s a fucking pathetic excuse and looking at it from this perspective I would give that woman a boot up the fucking arse and tell her to go live a single life because that is what she deserves. You don’t get into a relationship if you are not willing to RELATE. You don’t start a relationship, if your little insecurities stop you from being honest. That just makes you a selfish, lonely, douchebag.

So to continue with the story. Another year passes, and by this time the man has almost given up hope completely. He is so completely emotionally and mentally drained from trying to understand and fix this issue, that he no longer has the will to continue. The woman is still insisting that she does in fact love him, she’s just too *Insert excuse here* to actually put anything into action. Of course now and then, she will give him a kiss. Once in a blue moon, but still usually ONLY when he brings the subject up, when he seems in dire need of Reassurance. The bare minimum amount of words and effort needed to shut him up for another week, until she needs to play the word game again. Nothing much changed, cept he forced himself to stop caring, and she continues to put in enough effort to ensure he knows she is –trying-.

I am sure by now; you’ve come to understand what it is I am talking about. Of course I have used some stupid example, and it is not meant to mirror what you and I have been through. But, I think it gets the point of view across from my side of things. I don’t want to hear any more words from you, because I can only take so much before your words begin to lose effect. How many times does one have to hear something, before they simply lose faith? Doesn’t matter how much they WANT to believe, because without proof… Without action… Means nothing. I don’t want your –attempts- at action either anymore. I don’t want you to continue your idea of –trying-. I don’t want you to keep fucking with me as if I am a chew toy that doesn’t get damaged. One thing I have started to learn from being a cunt to people on the internet, is to trust your intuition and not take peoples shit. I am so fucking sick of taking peoples shit, and having them walk all over me.

The simple fact is, (and I don’t want to hear another excuse.) If you cared, if you desired this, if you were interested. You would have done something about it. And you have done nothing, aside from the bare minimum needed to rope me in. If this was –you- as you have insisted so many times, then there actually would be some proof. I don’t know if you truly are just terrified of opening up to me, completely scared of admitting who you are, or if you are just leading me on. But I do know, that I have finally got to the point where I can say no more. No more. You are HURTING me. You are truly wounding me with this. You are damaging me like my father did, giving me pretty words, nothing but pretty words and absolutely no substance. You have hurt me, and I don’t know if I can recover from it. I feel like there might always be this place in my heart now, that is unable to let go, be vulnerable and trust. All the things you have mentioned having had happened to you in past relationships, the things that hurt you… The things that made you afraid. Well, I know what it feels like now. And it is time I learnt to finally say no, and stand up for myself. Not that I feel you will listen anyway, for it seems you simply say “Yes, I understand.” Without meaning the words you say.

I am not saying you are right or wrong, I am not saying I am right or wrong. I am saying that I have been hurt, and I can’t continue to be hurt any longer. I don’t want you to pretend anymore, I don’t want false hope. I know you tell me I have this defeatist attitude, but how fucking long would you expect the man in my story to continue in a relationship like that, so why exactly should I? The D/s stuff we talked about, I don’t think I have it in me anymore. It’s too painful now; it’s too much of a fantasy and nothing more. Perhaps my mother was right after all, and such thing should stay in the head, with no place in reality. I am not writing all of this to you because I want reassurance, because I know you’ll give it to me and I know it won’t actually change anything at the end of the day. I love you, but I don’t think we should continue pretending that you desire anything more than a mundane, vanilla relationship. I’ll find what I need in other things, like my art and writing. I’ll find the romance and fantasy in mythology, and the absolute vulnerability I once craved in morbid stories. You and I will continue to go on as we have, a happy, vanilla, mundane, normal couple. Likely sexual want will fade, as it does for all couples. Our intimacy will become not much of anything, we will have kids, and focus our attention on them. But that wild, hopeless passion… Those beautiful feelings and emotions… I’ll put them into sculpture or writing… Just like everyone else does. Maybe it’s the norm, because it’s simply rational. Maybe I am a stupid idealist after all.



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