Being Used and Vulnerability

I guess I shouldn't compare too much, it is just that well... In the world of BDSM there is a lot of give and take from both sides. She gives herself completely in return for being looked after, loved and protected completely. He gives himself in every way, dedicating his life to guiding, supporting and protecting her in return for her wholehearted service, admiration and trust.

I guess many new or ill-informed people see the submissive as getting the rough end of the bargain. She is giving up her will and freedom for him. She is dedicating her life to serving and pleasing him in every which way. She puts some of her opinions and views aside and allows him to take the lead and make the decisions. She accepts punishment when she fails him in so many different ways. I guess they think the Dominant gets to sit back, boss someone around and have their every need met at the click of a finger.

No.

Just no.

If that were the case, then that would be abuse.

The Dominant puts in an equal amount of effort, absolutely. While she is spending her days cleaning for him, dressing for him, exercising, eating, edging, reading, training, learning... Her nights serving him sexually or with food and drink. Rubbing his feet, sucking his cock, having her own pleasure denied for the sake of him...

The Dominant is giving ALL of this back to her in other ways. He is putting in effort to train her, to help her grow. He spends huge amounts of time learning about her in return so that he can find out how he can support her better. How she ticks and what makes her react. He should also be spending huge amounts of time rewarding her in some way. This could be sexually or mentally. It could be a whole day planned just for her pleasure. It could be two hours in which she gets to feel complete erotic bliss without his penis having ANYTHING to do with it.

This is part of caring for someone, making sure that they get what they need. Putting in the effort. If you are too lazy to spend time doing things for your submissive, then take off the title of Dominant and GTFO. (Or, learn to be a fair and loving partner.) As a Dominant you will spend countless hours giving. There will be no limit to the amount of effort and dedication you put into your relationship, just like she does for you.

This is not a one sided relationship. This is not easy for the Dominant and hard for the submissive. She does NOT get off on serving you completely without any thought at all to her own person. She may say she does, but the reason for that is because she knows completely that you WILL look after her. If you did NOT look after her then you would not have her for long because that is abuse. Attention doesn't always have to be kind and loving cuddles, but it does have to be there. The Dominant is going to have to spend time GIVING, not taking. Simple as that.

So back on topic. Being used and the vulnerability it brings with it. I have to trust completely that He will return all that I have given him in some way or another. At the moment this is not quite happening, but I understand that. He is learning and he is doing a great job for being so new to everything. He is trying and doing fantastic considering. Still, when it comes to D/s like this I think they are certain minimums that I can be allowed to expect. But I guess because it is not happening, nor has it happened... I of course have that seed of worry there inside of me.

I don't mean that he is not trying... I mean things like being walked around the house on a leash for an hour. Told to stay on my hands and knees, made to eat from his hand while he tells me all the reasons why this training is happening and what it is going to do to me. Or something typical like being restrained on the bed and being made to cum over and over and over until I am begging for it to stop for an hour or two. Training, time spend doing nothing but D/s play without sex even being involved. Orgasms sure. I am talking about scenes and playtime. You know what I mean! Typical BDSM stuff that is in all the books! Dungeon time! Training, fun play fuck!

Things to make me feel HIS. To make me get into the submissive headspace. To train me to obey and surrender. To sink me deeper and deeper, control my thoughts and my mind. Make me stupid, make me dumb, make me obedient and cum hungry. If only for the hour that we play... Make me beg and whimper at your feet in my desperation. I want to feel like a true submissive, not a door mat housewife. Right?

As I said, I get it... Big step... But it is really hard trying to give myself up completely without this stuff... It is really hard feeling submissive when I don't get anything much that would MAKE me feel submissive. I think that is where I am having an issue at the moment. And all these thoughts and fears...

Things like... What if it never really does happen? What if he has no intention of spending time and effort pleasing me in erotic ways? What if I will never anytime soon get to experience anything close to a play scene, where I am tied down and subjected to all kinds of wonderful and horrible sensations? What if he can't be bothered? What if he is only really interested in what he can get for himself? What if he actually wants to use me, kink aside...? Not in a fun sexy training BDSM way, but a literal way...? Does he know the difference?What if I never feel what it is like to have time spent on me and me alone, without his penis having anything to do with it...?

Of course these are all irrational fears, my Husband loves me and would conquer the world for me. I know that without a doubt, but the fears and questions do still circle around in my head and I guess it is something that time and growth in our relationship will solve... I have to learn to be patient. It will come, he will give me these things, he will enjoy it too. It won't be a burden for him, it will be pleasurable. I have faith.

I mean the simple fact is I will give him absolutely everything that I can possibly offer. Complete submissive, surrender and unlimited joyful service... Once I know that I am without a doubt his top priority. His number one enjoyment. His source of relaxation and pleasure. His pride and joy... Once I know he will take care of me in the ways I need it. Once we have trust...

Such is the journey of any D/s relationship though, you don't start with complete submission because submission must be earned.

Rant over and I hope I wasn't rude or unfair in anything I said. Needed to get it out or I might just burst. Irrational fears, but fear none the less.

Submission must be earned.