Today

Today is hard. Too hard. I can't even talk about it. I want to throw in the towel, I want to give up. But I can't. I want to scream, I can't. I want to share... I can't.

I want to take control, but... I can't. I can't risk my intimacy that I have gained. I can't go back.

I literally have no choice but to surrender, because I feel like there are no other options.

I don't know if I can make it to the weekend, but I have to remember I have no choice. This has everything and nothing to do with him. It is not because he told me so, it is because I have to learn to respect him fully.

I hate having to trust blindly like this. I never knew it could be so hard to be vulnerable.

My heart is literally on the table now. I am terrified. I feel sick. I am forcing myself with every inch of my soul to trust instead of talk or complain. I am feel like I am hurting myself in order to stop hurting him, and I am doing this knowing full well that it may or may not even have an effect.

If I fuck up, then I lose what I have gained. I can't afford to slip up, I have to learn and I have to have will power.

It will all be worth it, because having him feel safe, strong and valued it the most important thing. If I need to work on myself then I will with everything I have.

Will power being something I have struggled with heavily. Not when it comes to myself, but someone else. I am putting him first completely trusting that I will have my needs taken care of.

Jesus fucking christ it hurts. Trusting a man with my heart and soul. When has a man ever looked after me? Never. Never ever. Not my father, not my step father, not my grand father's. This is the first relationship in which I am laying my heart on the line and trying with everything I have to surrender and be vulnerable. Trying to know I will be safe even when my mind screams otherwise.

I love him that much, that I would do all this for him. It is something special and something I have never felt before. I am forcing myself to change in ways that almost horrify me, because I am so conflicted.

Surrender to my husband...

Or look after myself like I have been taught.

I know what I want. To have a husband who feels wonderful. To have a strong connection. Everything is for us and for that reason it is fantastic.

Change is never easy.

Please... Please look after me.