Failing at Orgasm Denial

Well, I got to cum on Friday night. I had had 4 days of edging every few hours, getting used and no Orgasms. I felt great, frustrated but completely wonderful.

We fucked, he told me to cum and I did. Three times. It was wonderful. The next day I fucked up, I tried to edge but I found myself making not being to go anywhere near as far as I could before. In fact I didn't even think I was that close. As I got close, I moved my hand as normal and even with no stimulation, about 4 seconds later I felt that familiar pulse in my clit that said I had cum.

The Orgasms were not great, in fact they hardly felt like anything at all. I guess that's why they call them ruined Orgasms. But I hated myself for failing. I felt terrible and confused as to what was going on. Guilty that I let myself down.

The same thing happened to me today, I tried to do it and this morning was okay. Then I fell asleep and missed an edging session. Husband then came home told me to get back to it, but again I fucked up. Hands completely off and 5 seconds later I knew I fucked up. I don't know why this week is different, though I do have my suspicions.

I googled the issue, I even listened to a hypnosis video that was supposed to block orgasms. No luck. I feel terrible about it and don't know what can be done. I need to not push so far but it would seem my will power and desire to hold off has gone away a little.

I don't really feel like I am being told to do this. That it is a rule, that there is no choice, I must obey. It feels like I am making myself do this, with a little bit of Husband on the side. I don't have enough will power to do it myself, but my Husband has not yet got the hang of owning my mind at all, which is totally to be expected as a new dominant and it will come in time.

This is more frustrating and horrible than desperately needing to cum. I feel like I have let him down, even though part of me... Sigh. I had hoped my talk on the weekend would fix things, confirm everything... Train me, condition me slightly more. I don't know, things fucked up today and now I feel very disappointing in myself. I need to feel completely put in my place. No if's, no but's. No getting away with it and no easy punishment.

This is training and training is always hard and involves so much effort at first. I just... Wish he found pleasure in this too, maybe then he would make a hobby out of training me.

Maybe this task is too hard for a novice D/s couple... Maybe I am just being crappy with my will power. I don't know, but I do know I want the feeling I had last week back. I want the submissiveness back... I want the feeling and excitement back.