Dear Diary 3/01/2015

I have had so much change going on lately, it is hard to know where to start. I brought the book Surrendered Wife and started reading it a day before going on holiday to my Mother-in-law's house for Christmas. This was about a week after my husband gave me a fantastic lecture about the importance of respect and kindness when I am feeling upset.

The lecture helped me more than I can describe, and the book also gave me a serious wake up call. I value all the information it holds, even if I do not quite like or agree with all of it. It is still nice to see that point of view, and find out a little about how exactly husbands react to feeling disrespected in a relationship.

Now within literally a day of reading this book, I felt completely reborn and new. I saw things clearly and I felt like I finally had a way to give my Husband what he needs, and in return hopefully get the things I need. My god did my Husband notice instantly.

It was fantastic. It was pure heaven for me. It was everything I could have asked for at this point in our relationship. The thing is, to me these few days were a fucking huge deal, but perhaps to you, you may wonder why I was so taken back by this turn of events.

What happened was this: He seemed comfortable in his own skin, he seemed confident and open. He was kind, gentle, loving and passionate. He pushed me down and intimated sex with me at least three times per day, for three days in a row.

I felt desired.

I felt wanted by him. He actually showed me just how sexual and strong he can be. I was hooked and obsessed with this and the feelings that it gave me. I felt beautiful and needed and I had his full attention. I cannot describe to you just how important this was to me, and how I literally felt whole and confident myself.

For the first time in our relationship, I felt like he desired me sexually. I wish I could say I was being dramatic. I wish I could say this is an exaggeration... But it really is not. Aside from those three days, I cannot remember the last time I felt that he genuinely wanted to fuck me without me having to hint, initiation or guilt trip him.

I should explain. It is not that he... See I am sitting here trying to make a million excuses as to why he doesn't really enjoy sex. And I have a million excuses, but none of them really seem right... I don't know what it is that makes him not desire sex. He says it is not just me, that he has always been like this. He says it is because he has never been with a woman that actually needs and wants sex before. He says it is because he is stressed at work and it crushes the desire... He says that his whole life, sex has just never really been on his mind.

Now all of these things are good and true, but it doesn't change how much it hurts me. We are newly wedded. We have been married for a little over a year. We have known each other in real life for little over a year. Hell we got married within three days of meeting each other in person. But we never had a honey moon phase, not only that but shouldn't we still be in it? That passionate, fuck like rabbits stage of a relationship? If I am feeling like this now, then what does that mean for our relationship in two or three years, when sex is supposed to die down in a marriage... Statistically speaking...

So, I have spent a year trying to fix this. To make myself better for him so that we can have the passionate, sexual and loving relationship that I need more than anything on the planet. Even now everything I do is pretty much to fix this issue. I am losing weight so that I can be more attractive for him. Not that he wants me to, he says I am fine and he loves me. Never has he given me any negativity or criticism over my appearance. But still, the reason I want to be fit and sexy is so that he desires me.

I want to look good in my lace underwear, tutu's and nightgowns. I want him to come home from work, see me and instantly want to fuck me. I want to feel desired like that, loved like that, wanted like that. I want to force myself to get up early every morning to work out, shower, dress up and do my make up, so that when he gets home from work he sees something sexually attractive. Wow, it sounds like I have absolutely no self-esteem.

I used to have self-esteem. I used to have a fair amount of it, but now I find myself wanting to change in so many ways just so that my husband will give me intimacy. It is why I read the Surrendered Wife, it is why I pretty much do everything.

Right now I am being completely honest about what goes on in my head, and the more I write the more I realize how fucked up and unhealthy this all sounds. How it makes my relationship sound. That I am so starved for genuine sexual attention, passion and intimacy that I would change all these things about myself.

I feel so sorry for my Husband. He is the best and kindest man on the whole planet. He looks after me and puts me first when it is needed, usually. He talks with me and tries so hard to please me when I am this needy. He never meant to hurt me with any of this, he never meant to make me feel this way. I know he hates that I do feel this, but I don't know what to do because it all does make me feel like this. The poor bastard is just being himself and I am... Am I way too needy?

That's the thing though, in this D/s relationship I want to be needy. I need to be needy. I want to be dependent on him in a way that vanilla folk would consider unhealthy. I want to have a passionate sexual relationship, but I feel like I am asking too much. Is that too much to ask? Should I just accept the fact that perhaps it will never be based on the kind of sexual intimacy that I crave? But that's the thing, the whole D/s dynamic is insanely sexual and erotic. To submit to him makes me so turned on I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't submit and not have it tie in completely and deeply with my sexuality. I am not a step-ford wife, I am not a 50's housewife. I am not a pushover or a meek powerless woman. I can't do D/s, DD or any form of submissive without it being hugely erotic and intimate. Kink sex turns me on and I crave it, but all I have is vanilla. I can't submit without a man who can make me. Without a Dom.

I want this issue to go away forever and I am willing to do whatever it takes.

I should get back on topic. So I read Surrendered Wife, and the results were fucking amazing. At least they were for three days to a week. Now we are back home and things... Well all that passion, desire, sex and intimacy is gone? Things went back to normal, and after my small taste of heaven I am fucking terrified of this normal.

Maybe it is his video games. See on holiday we did not have the games, so he was able to put me first and make me top priority. Now we are home and games are once again his desire. Not me, not sex, no passion, not intimacy. It is not like I can talk, I play games too. But I feel like I play games to pass time when I literally have nothing better to do. Where as he plays games because that is what he wants to do. I wish wish wish wish that what he wanted to do was me. I am not complaining about his games, I think games are fantastic and I likely love them just as much as he does.

But when it comes down to it, there is nothing on this world that is more important to me than feeling that passionate sexual love that I had a small glimpse of on those three days. What do I need to do in order to bring that back? How to I bring that back... Why did it go away, why have I lost it...

Did I slip back into making him feel disrespected? Why is this shit always on my mind. It taunts me constantly, my desire and craving for this passion and erotic bliss with him. I don't mean sex 24/7 but I do mean that kind of intimacy. I feel too needy but given the change and permission I would gladly become so much worse. I am ready and wanting to dedicated my whole existence to him, but the only way to make this craving and desire go the fuck away seems to be to force it inside of myself and literally kill who I am.

This issue could be solved if I got the intimacy I wanted, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Plus, I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. So I try take things into my own hands and fix the issue myself. Fuck, I don't know. I have no answers. All I  know is that I need and desire something that my Husband doesn't care much about and I don't know how to fix that or if it even can be fixed.

Rant over- Peace out.