Had a dream
last night where I got to be your little, your submissive. Wasn’t much of a
dream, just enough to remind me of what it all felt like. Everything I used to
long for, and shit. Woke up, cried, cried some more. Got over it, but it put me
in a bad mood. Then, like usual I got thinking about things, tried to happy
space myself via music. You came home, prioritized sitting on the toilet
reading facebook over tending to me, because any decent excuse to avoid an
upset wife is worth taking. I really don’t see the point in talking about it
anymore, I’ve already told you on many occasions how mentally drained I am over
our relationship issues, but you don’t seem to listen, even though your catch
phrase is “I understand.” That catch phrase stupidly makes me feel better, and
stupidly works, but I am starting to see it doesn’t mean all that much. I mean,
it means a little. Some, enough to get by, but it’s lacking in emotional depth,
because it comes with no action. Just words.
Words are a
funny thing, really. Say them and win someone over, calm them, reassure them,
please them. But, there is a reason people say words are lies, isn’t there?
Because on their own words mean absolutely nothing. Words without action are nothing
more than procrastination, deceit and excuse. They are a cover, a shield
against rejection and vulnerability. They are a way to shut someone up, to
create the illusion of change or progression. But, in a society where we all
wear masks, and masquerade around, it is only to be expected, really. We all do
it after all. I feel like it is now beginning to be stupid of me to expect
anything else, and it is perfectly –normal- in marriage. I still feel the
stupid girl who thought she’d get a fairy tale and too swiftly fell back to
reality.
Imagine if
you started dating a girl, and you both really liked each other, you both
really clicked. Then a few months in, she stopped saying nice things, she
stopped flirting with you, complimenting you, and saying that she loved you. Of
course you’d begin to wonder; you’d be quite hurt and likely wonder what on
earth you’d done wrong. So, you bring up the matter and she gets defensive…This
leads to a massive argument, and after a few hours of silent treatment on both
sides, you manage to get conversation flowing again. At this point, she tells
you that she does love you very much, you are perfect, beautiful and her entire
world. You feel better, you believe her of course. How could you have been so
stupid, to doubt her so?
After the
argument is patched up, things go back to how they were. She never gives you
compliments, never hugs or holds you, never says she loves you. In fact she
completely acts like the argument never ever happened, and all the concern you’d
brought up never actually existed. You get upset again, and it’s only been a
few days but a few days without that is kind of a big deal. Again she gets
defensive, and so do you. A massive, heart tearing argument happens. Things get
smashed, you cry and yell. She retreats into herself, and the silent treatment
on both sides happens again for three or four hours. Eventually, you both get
together and work things out. She insists that you are wrong, she loves you so
very much, you and handsome, and perfect, and she couldn’t be happier. As soon
as the post-argument talk is finished, things go back to how they were.
A week later,
you still have not received any compliments, hugs, kind words, smiles; I love
you’s or general intimacy. You begin to wonder, why does she insist that she
indeed feels all of these things, but literally never ever shows you, unless it
is after a fight? Why does she use words to reassure you, but once you are not
in –dire- need of reassuring, everything goes back to how it was? So you get
upset, your heart hurts, you don’t really understand because you are constantly
being told one thing, but never are there any actions to follow it up. You
bring the matter up with her again, and surprise surprise, the same thing
happens. She gets defensive and silent, a fight happens. A few hours of
silence. Eventually make up talk, during which time you are given reassurance
in the form of words. Of course, once everything is fixed, it all goes back to
normal. She says nothing kind, she doesn’t say she loves you, she doesn’t try
and initiate sex, nor give you kisses. She gives you absolutely no proof at all
that she actually means anything she said.
This all goes
on every few days for around about a year. A year of arguments over the same
thing. A year where you get reassuring words only AFTER you’ve had a fight, and
once the fight is gone – Nothing changes. She continues to neglect you, unless
it is an absolute emergency. The words are used to bandage the wound, to put
off the hurt a little longer. The words are used as shallow, meaningless reassurance.
Sure, she might be speaking the truth, but she obviously doesn’t care enough to
-actually do something about it.-
Slowly things
start to change. For one, you start caring less, so it doesn’t hurt so much to
go days and days without any affection at all from your own partner. Two: Now
and again, you’ll get an I love you from her, or perhaps every couple of weeks
she might give you a kiss on the cheek. It’s fuck all, in fact it is completely
pathetic really, but it is something, right? Progression? Or… Enough to keep
you dangling on the edge just a little longer. In fact, doesn’t this all start
to seem like… Well she’s only saying these nice things when you are literally
on the verge of a breakdown, and… The little kiss on the cheek and things you
get every now and again, they serve as what? And excuse for her to say “You
have proof I am trying.” Without actually trying at all?
I mean it seems to me like this woman is in fact doing everything in her power
to keep you –happy enough- that you won’t
leave, without actually changing anything at all. It’s kind of a genius
manipulation strategy when you look at it that way. Feed someone JUST enough
that they can’t say you are not feeding them, even though they are starving to
death. Temporarily fix the issue every time it comes up, but completely ignore
it the rest of the time. Sadly, the issue at stake is a man who has given
himself to a woman, and the woman is shitting all over him while neglecting him
completely and then doing the bare minimum to keep the relationship afloat.
Now the
question is, does the woman mean it when she insists she does care after an argument?
Maybe she does, but do you think it is fair that this becomes an excuse for
completely neglecting the man that she is with? Maybe her reason for never
saying I love you, and never showing she cares is… Because she’s afraid of
being vulnerable… There you go. She can’t give affection, because she somehow
sees affection is weakness. I mean, it’s a valid psychological explanation, isn’t
it? So perhaps the man says he understands, and continues to live with her
bullshit day after day, because… Well, she’s got past trauma that stops her
from actually putting ANYTHING into action. Honestly? It’s a fucking pathetic excuse
and looking at it from this perspective I would give that woman a boot up the
fucking arse and tell her to go live a single life because that is what she
deserves. You don’t get into a relationship if you are not willing to RELATE.
You don’t start a relationship, if your little insecurities stop you from being
honest. That just makes you a selfish, lonely, douchebag.
So to continue with the
story. Another year passes, and by this time the man has almost given up hope completely.
He is so completely emotionally and mentally drained from trying to understand
and fix this issue, that he no longer has the will to continue. The woman is
still insisting that she does in fact love him, she’s just too *Insert excuse
here* to actually put anything into action. Of course now and then, she will
give him a kiss. Once in a blue moon, but still usually ONLY when he brings the
subject up, when he seems in dire need of Reassurance. The bare minimum amount
of words and effort needed to shut him up for another week, until she needs to
play the word game again. Nothing much changed, cept he forced himself to stop
caring, and she continues to put in enough effort to ensure he knows she is –trying-.
I am sure by now;
you’ve come to understand what it is I am talking about. Of course I have used
some stupid example, and it is not meant to mirror what you and I have been
through. But, I think it gets the point of view across from my side of things. I
don’t want to hear any more words from you, because I can only take so much
before your words begin to lose effect. How many times does one have to hear
something, before they simply lose faith? Doesn’t matter how much they WANT to
believe, because without proof… Without action… Means nothing. I don’t want
your –attempts- at action either anymore. I don’t want you to continue your
idea of –trying-. I don’t want you to keep fucking with me as if I am a chew
toy that doesn’t get damaged. One thing I have started to learn from being a
cunt to people on the internet, is to trust your intuition and not take peoples
shit. I am so fucking sick of taking peoples shit, and having them walk all
over me.
The simple fact
is, (and I don’t want to hear another excuse.) If you cared, if you
desired this, if you were interested. You would have done something about it.
And you have done nothing, aside from the bare minimum needed to rope me in. If
this was –you- as you have insisted so many times, then there actually would be
some proof. I don’t know if you truly are just terrified of opening up to me,
completely scared of admitting who you are, or if you are just leading me on. But
I do know, that I have finally got to the point where I can say no more. No
more. You are HURTING me. You are truly wounding me with this. You are damaging
me like my father did, giving me pretty words, nothing but pretty words and
absolutely no substance. You have hurt me, and I don’t know if I can recover
from it. I feel like there might always be this place in my heart now, that is
unable to let go, be vulnerable and trust. All the things you have mentioned
having had happened to you in past relationships, the things that hurt you… The
things that made you afraid. Well, I know what it feels like now. And it is
time I learnt to finally say no, and stand up for myself. Not that I feel you
will listen anyway, for it seems you simply say “Yes, I understand.” Without
meaning the words you say.
I am not
saying you are right or wrong, I am not saying I am right or wrong. I am saying
that I have been hurt, and I can’t continue to be hurt any longer. I don’t want
you to pretend anymore, I don’t want false hope. I know you tell me I have this
defeatist attitude, but how fucking long would you expect the man in my story
to continue in a relationship like that, so why exactly should I? The D/s stuff
we talked about, I don’t think I have it in me anymore. It’s too painful now; it’s
too much of a fantasy and nothing more. Perhaps my mother was right after all,
and such thing should stay in the head, with no place in reality. I am not
writing all of this to you because I want reassurance, because I know you’ll
give it to me and I know it won’t actually change anything at the end of the
day. I love you, but I don’t think we should continue pretending that
you desire anything more than a mundane, vanilla relationship. I’ll find what I
need in other things, like my art and writing. I’ll find the romance and
fantasy in mythology, and the absolute vulnerability I once craved in morbid
stories. You and I will continue to go on as we have, a happy, vanilla, mundane,
normal couple. Likely sexual want will fade, as it does for all couples. Our
intimacy will become not much of anything, we will have kids, and focus our
attention on them. But that wild, hopeless passion… Those beautiful feelings
and emotions… I’ll put them into sculpture or writing… Just like everyone else
does. Maybe it’s the norm, because it’s simply rational. Maybe I am a stupid idealist
after all.
